From the bizarre to the disturbing to the flat-out absurd, here are 10 false allegations my stalker has made against me over the last two-and-a-half years.

10. I called Child Protective Services on his mother and falsely accused her of abusing her 11-year-old son.

From my understanding, CPS is already strapped for resources. This only adds to my existing belief that it’s extremely wrong to use the agency as a weapon, because doing so diverts time and energy away from situations that legitimately need intervention. Squandering any government agency’s resources is a shitty thing to do, but it’s especially trashy to disrupt people who are working to protect kids for the sake of stirring the pot.

Additionally, an ex-boyfriend I dislike works for CPS and it’s a small county. In the absence of any serious concerns about a child’s well-being, I’d strongly prefer to have zero interaction with the agency.

You know how they say, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?” For that reason, I’ll keep my opinion of my stalker’s mother’s parenting skills mostly to myself, but it’s also nothing I’d call CPS over.

I understand that it’s not child abuse to introduce your kid to a revolving door of romantic partners or to set a piss-poor example of how a dignified adult should act. Moreover, I haven’t interacted with my stalker’s mother or observed her daily habits in several years, and I never noticed any signs of mistreatment toward her son.

This allegation leads me to suspect that someone did call CPS and that I automatically received the blame. I don’t talk to anyone in the family’s lives, so this is just a guess.

9. I’m a felon.

Ummm, nope. I don’t have any criminal record whatsoever. I’ve never even gotten a speeding ticket. And I’ll be the first to admit that luck probably played a role in this (I was an idiot during my 20s), but I was never a habitual lawbreaker. Moreover, unlike my stalker, I eventually grew the fuck up. I live a pretty low-key, law-abiding lifestyle these days.

But you know who is a felon? My stalker. You know who’s been locked up for the past year because they can’t follow a rule or a law to save their life? My stalker. He’s so desperate to believe I’m a criminal that he apparently forgets where he currently is, and that he’s a convicted stalker. And he clearly doesn’t understand that it’s very easy to avoid legal problems when you mind your own business and focus on your responsibilities.

8. I spend every waking moment abusing drugs, and I enjoy them all.

My stalker thinks I’m a hopeless addict because I tried molly a few times during my college years. Pretty typical behavior for a college student. I also graduated almost a decade ago, haven’t used illegal substances in years, and rarely even drink alcohol. But even if I did indulge in these habits, it would be my business. Not my stalker’s.

He thought it was funny that the FBI showed up at his house to “have a conversation” in 2020 right after he snorted a bunch of cocaine. And when he could no longer drink or use drugs due to probation’s drug testing requirements, he switched to nitrous – or, as he called them, “whippets.”

All things considered, my stalker should probably worry about getting his own consumption of illicit substances under control. But like everything else he refuses to take responsibility for, he probably blames me for his drug use, enabling him to remain blissfully ignorant to the self-created nature of his shit show of a life.

7. I’m conspiring with his probation officer to set up a false criminal case against him.

Truth be told, I’m not the biggest fan of his probation officer. That being said, I do respect the guy, but I would never interact with him beyond what’s absolutely necessary in terms of staying updated on the stalker’s case.

Additionally, while I understand that corruption exists among the ranks of all law enforcement agencies, my stalker’s probation officer doesn’t even remotely strike me as the type to get involved in that type of thing. And if he was, I probably wouldn’t know about it. And if he was and I happened to know about it, I certainly wouldn’t try to partake in it.

One of the many things my stalker doesn’t seem to understand is that nobody needs to concoct a bogus criminal case against him. He does a fine job at burying himself. Every single time the authorities give him enough rope to hang himself with, that’s what he does. It never fails.

I have better things to do. The probation officer has better things to do, and the rest of my stalker’s victims, who are also accused of conspiring against the stalker, all have better things to do.

6. I’m planning to cover my car with his fingerprints as part of my plot to frame him for a crime.

Is planting fingerprints even a thing? I’m almost flattered that my stalker thinks I’m even capable of pulling that off, but I’m insulted that he thinks I’d waste the time, energy, and resources on trying to set him up.

He just doesn’t get it. All I want is to be left the fuck alone. The only reason I’m happy whenever my stalker gets charged with crimes is because it affords me a little bit of safety and breathing room while he sits in jail. He seems to think that his victims relish in seeing him catch charges, but we don’t take diabolical pleasure in going out of our way to make him suffer. We’re usually just relieved to catch a break from having to look over our shoulders constantly.

And while I’m admittedly not always happy about how the court handles my stalker’s case, I understand that I can’t always have my way. It’s one of those basic lessons most people learn by adulthood (and which my stalker has yet to learn at 30+ years of age). So even when I’m disappointed by the circumstances, I don’t see it as a license to try taking the situation into my own hands.

5. I’m banging all the guards at all 3+ of the detention facilities he’s spent time at this year.

I don’t know any corrections officers at any of the facilities he’s been detained at, nor have I traveled to those areas in the recent past (if ever). Unlike my stalker, I have the option not to be around jail staff on a regular basis. Being in the free world is nice. And it’s something he would be able to enjoy if he focused on himself and stopped acting like a piece of shit 24/7.

4. The police refused to arrest me based on his false allegations, so of course, I’m banging all the cops, including the married ones.

The police refused to arrest me because my stalker failed to procure any evidence of the allegations he included in his bullshit harassment complaint against me. Additionally, when the police contacted me about my stalker’s complaint, I calmly gave them my side of the story. I told them that I’m desperate to be left alone and that I want absolutely zero contact with my stalker.

And while I can’t speak for law enforcement, I’m assuming that I came across as sincere and that the evidence I turned over spoke for itself. But by telling himself that I got off the hook because I’m banging the cops, the stalker can continue to justify, in his own demented way, playing the victim card like it’s going out of style.

3. I’m severely schizophrenic and constantly symptomatic. The police agree and think I need to be institutionalized, but I’m still banging all the cops.

If I was schizophrenic, that would be my business – not my stalker’s. It’s also no reason to mock someone, and it’s a really shitty power play to try using someone’s alleged mental illness to discredit them.

My stalker writes multiple letters to the court weekly containing fantastical stories about all the crazy and delusional things I supposedly do. He practically begs the judge to believe that I’m mentally impaired. I’m not too worried about that happening. As they say, “consider the source.”

2. I bled my ex-boyfriend’s finances dry and am directly responsible for his homelessness.

Also, on the list of topics that aren’t my stalker’s business, but that he acts like an authority on.

I sued my ex-boyfriend. In 2013. Over a car I didn’t want and got stuck paying for after our break-up. My ex-boyfriend offered a settlement, which I turned down. I ultimately lost the lawsuit and did not receive a penny. And I accepted the outcome of the case and moved on with my life. I find it weird that I stopped thinking about it a decade ago, yet my stalker remains fixated on it.

The ex-boyfriend I sued barely had a pot to piss in when we got together. He was down on his luck for his own reasons. It happens. I never benefited financially to any great extent from that relationship, nor was that my goal. He ended up homeless years after our break-up.

But hey, if it makes my stalker feel better to think that I siphoned the guy of every penny to his name and left him starving in the street, then so be it. Everything that goes on in the stalker’s head is already a load of horseshit anyway. Might as well add another work of fiction to the mix.

1. I routinely drive 60+ miles each way to break into his dilapidated home and steal his tarot cards and witchcraft crystals.

On top of driving around to various correctional facilities and knocking boots with the staff, I apparently waste gas just to burglarize his hoarded, black mold-infested house. And never mind that I don’t believe in fortune-telling or tarot cards or psychics, or that I could buy a brand-new deck of tarot cards for much cheaper than it costs to go steal them from my stalker’s house. I just have to get my hands on those crusty, slimy, rat-eaten cards that lay around in the filth he’s so comfortable living in.

Whatever you say, dude. (He has tried filing false burglary reports against me, from my understanding, but the police know where to find me and haven’t picked me up, let alone called me on the phone to discuss the matter. It clearly surprises my stalker that law enforcement won’t ambush me in a SWAT-style takedown over his meritless allegations. He’s apparently unfamiliar with the concept of backing a claim with evidence.)